The Answer Is No

The past few weeks, months and even 2015 in general have been challenging to say the least for me. I've faced health issues, spent more time than desired seeing various doctors, and dealing with the emotional and financial impacts of such activities.

Through this year I've done my best to trust God and follow my life verse:

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him
and he will direct your paths.

But if you've followed my journey for long, you know there are valleys and peaks on my way. I struggle with self-image, I struggle to be a God-pleaser and not a people-pleaser.

People mean well, but I've been reminded again that most people can't even manage their own life that well, so why should I worry about them trying to direct my life?

Can God speak through people? Obviously he does, but every word out of the mouth of man or woman is not from God. That person may just be having a bad day, they may be lashing out at me out of frustration with their own life situations, or any number of things.

What I have come to conclude in my own life is that firstly God loves me, will always love me, and has already promised to never leave me nor forsake me.

Secondly, my calling in life is not your calling in life. People, myself included, tend to take their calling and their passions in life and try to place it on everyone they meet.

If we were intended to be this way, then we would all do everything, and do it with excellence. Instead God gave some to be preachers, some to serve in the background, some to teach, some to write, and on and on.

I have a talent and love for music and singing, but it would be ridiculous for me to get frustrated with family members that can't hold a note in the shower, just because that's my gift.

We are here not only for ourselves, but for each other.

With all that being said, I've come to realize that in regard to my health journey I'm just going to have to get used to saying no.

It's great that someone is thin, they easily lose weight, their body performs correctly all the time, but that's not me. Sure I've lose a lot of weight, but lately despite my best efforts, my visits to doctors, my many prayers, I'm in a holding pattern.

People I respect have questioned me, assuming that I must be doing something wrong for me to not be at my ideal weight, but they don't know my day-to-day struggles to eat correctly, how I normally do and that it doesn't seem to matter to my body, it does what it does. It is what it is and the more I degrade myself because of my weight, the worse I will be in my spirit, mind and body. It's time for me to do my best, leave the rest up to God and ignore the critics.

Along those same lines, I've come to realize that I can't be All-American Athlete. I can't run fast, it's not a criticism of myself, it's the truth. But many for whatever reason don't seem to want to accept that answer. The criticism I place on myself already is a heavy burden, and I don't need any help from others putting more on me than I've already put on myself.

So from now on, if the activity is not something I personally enjoy, like long-distance running, I'm just going to have to say no. This will not make me friends, but for my own peace-of-mind, I have to learn to follow God's peace and do the activities I love and bring joy to my life. I can't do it all, just because so many have their own activities that bring them joy.

I don't want to make this post sound like a rant, although it does a bit. But I'm talking to myself as much as anyone else.

If I ever expect to have peace in every area of life, I've got to sometimes take the hard way, push through negativity inflicted by others and myself, and follow God's heart and his ways.

Jesus said:

I came that they may have and enjoy life,

and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].



 

T-Minus 9 Days!

Hello again Friends, it's about that time... when I try again to conquer El Toro at Six Flags Great Adventure!

If you go back to my first post, you'll read that back in 2010 I was denied riding the #1 ranked wooden coaster in the world, located on the outskirts of Philadelphia and it inspired me to start searching for a way to lose weight.

Along the journey to lose weight, I've discovered F3, GORUCK and all kinds of silly things like 5k's, 10k's and mud runs, all of which I've already completed with a little help from my friends.

I'm somewhere in the neighborhood now of 60lbs. down, with a goal to lose another 30 or so before I learn to settle into being skinny again for the first time in a very, very long time.

Recently I was able to buy my first 36" pants and shorts in probably fifteen years!

That brings me to this post: nine days from now I'll be hopefully riding El Toro for the first time!  I say hopefully, because after you've taken the Walk of Shame too many times, you never assume you are going to fit on a coaster, especially one so restrictive like El Toro.

Going into this weight loss journey, I was prepared I think, for the physical aspects but had no idea the emotional impact such a journey would take on me.

There are days I get depressed because I'm still overweight, still technically considered obese, then there are days I feel like nothing can stop me and the weight doesn't stand a chance.  This is why F3 has become vital for me.

F3 is full of thousands of guys, some serious athletes, at least one actual Olympian is in the F3 south Charlotte brotherhood now, but most are just average guys just trying to get better.

Many though have never been seriously overweight as I have been, and while they empathize with me, they really don't know what it's like to be so overweight you can't see your feet, so overweight that the weight of your arms puts pressure on your body while in bed to the point of stopping normal circulation, so overweight that you have skin issues, with being so heavy and skin rubbing against skin and causing sores and all other painful issues.  But they still encourage, still push me, still drag me along sometimes. OK, maybe not literally the last one, but certainly emotionally.

It amazes me when anyone says they are inspired by me, it's so easy to look at myself and forget how far I've come, to forget how strong I've gotten, and to forget that I'm well over half way home on the weight loss!

When a friend who I consider a real American hero, serving our country overseas while his wife is home taking care of seven children, because he'd "rather fight them over there, than at home." calls me an inspiration, and wants to do GORUCK when he gets home because I've gotten into GORUCK, it simply blows me away and humbles me, and shocks me a bit too.

When I consider that just a year and two months ago, I could barely survive a F3 workout, and now I've lead about twelve or thirteen workouts now, I just smile and shake my head.

Even though the Bible was talking really of spiritual things, I can't help but feel that 1 Corinthians 1:28 somehow applies to me:

God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are...

It's like me leading F3 workouts, what am I doing?  There are guys in much better shape than I,  who can run rings around me, but there I am.  But that's the great thing about the Body of Christ, God gifts us all with different gifts, different skills, we don't all know it all, and we haven't all achieved it all.

So, who knows if I'll fit on El Toro this time around.  I sure hope so.  But if I don't, I'm not giving up on this journey.  I've learned too much, I've been inspired and pulled into things that have reignited a passion for life, country, my fellow man and God (not in that order) and I'm excited about my life now, I'm excited about what the future holds.  Two years ago I would never have said that.  Never.

So if you're out there, and like me you struggle with your weight, an addiction, whatever, don't give up.  God is there reaching out to you, it may be through someone smiling as you walk your dog, it may be in a brother kicking you in the rear to keep running, whatever it is, God works in our lives, if we let Him.

Look for an update soon about the results of my trip, here's hoping and praying that I'm able to ride the bull! Ole!

Until next time...

310

2005 - Mexico Mission Trip

The breaking of a bathroom scale started me down a journey this week that resulted in my fully realizing what my top weight was - 310lbs.  Yes, 310.

And it wasn't just one time in my life I was that heavy, but at least twice.  The photo is from 2005 when I was at or around that same weight.

It takes a lot for me to publicly admit that I let myself get that big.  Many people will only tell you those numbers after they've lost all their weight, but I want to share it as a challenge to myself to continue this journey, and to others who think they can't even start.

I've lost around 55-60lbs., so you can do the math and figure out what I currently weight.  But that number isn't a totally accurate picture as I've put on a lot of muscle the past year or two just from working out and being so heavy.  You figure I was doing pushups with the equivalent of almost two fully loaded rucks on me!

The past two weeks at the F3 workout known as Skunkworks, I noticed a big change in my endurance.  Of course with any new thing, it takes a while to build up your endurance, but it's taken almost six months to get to where I could actually complete a Skunkworks workout without stopping, skipping a set, whatever.  But the past two weeks, I completed the whole set, and didn't skip anything!  Shocked is the word I would use.  It's a very nice surprise to say the least.

It would be so easy to brag on myself that I'm over half way to my goal weight, but it would be ridiculous, yes, ridiculous to do so.  F3 has made such an impact on me and is one reason that this journey has continued.

I had no idea how much I was missing out on by missing out on F3.  I had no real male leadership in my life.  I had no one challenging me to push myself and to break down barriers.  Mental as well as physical barriers were deeply entrenched and constantly told me I wasn't worthy, I wasn't worth anything and to not expect much out of life.  I still battle those voices, many times on a daily basis, but they don't win in the end.  F3 has become so entrenched in my life now, that it's not going away.  It simply is part of my life and part of who I am and who I'm becoming.

Friday is a good example.  I got up about 4:15 to get ready to workout at F3 and so I left with plenty of time to make it there by 5:30.  I'm less than a mile from the school when traffic comes to a complete stop.  There is a train blocking my way.  After several minutes, I decide I will have to turn around and find another way to the school.

On my way I call a F3 brother to let him know of the issue.  He calls back shortly and tells me that the train has been stopped there for at least 30 minutes.  Great. 

At this point a temptation came - give it up and just go to breakfast!

I kept going and arrived at the school about 15 minutes late.  Then came the another temptation - No one was within sight, I was tempted to leave.

Of course unbeknownst to me, the two F3 brothers that made it to the school despite the train, had spotted me and were on the way back to the parking lot to pick me up.

We take off to the track and we do a quick warm up then head over to a hill for some hill work along with burpees - yes burpees, my mortal enemy.

Then came another temptation - Burpees are hard!  Don't do them and say you are modifying!  Thankfully I ignored that temptation as well and started doing burpees.  To my surprise, I was able to do all 45 burpees in the set!  Another big milestone for me.

I didn't even mention that my car had made a strange noise on the way to F3, and I was tempted to call it off before I even got stopped by the train!

So I share all this to encourage you and let you know that sometimes you won't have it easy trying to change your life.

Sometimes the weather is perfect, the temperature is perfect, you did your laundry and have clean workout clothes, you got a good night's rest, on and on.

But many times things will not workout for your workout.  Workout anyway. 

If you're late to workout, go anyway.  If the car makes weird noises, workout anyway.  If the weather sucks, workout anyway.  Just keep going, if anything you will find out that you can do things you never thought possible, if you'll just stay consistent.  If you wait until life is perfect, then I can guarantee you'll never change your life.  It was true for me.

I worked out at a boot camp before and while I was pretty consistent, I also too easily would give up on being there.  It's raining hard?  Can't go.  I'm sore from Tuesday?  Can't go.   On and on, you get the point.

This winter though out in the cold has somehow built a resolve in me to not give up and to show up workout after workout, no matter what the conditions.  And the one or two times I did want to bail, my F3 brothers didn't let it slide and they got me to post anyway.  Even in 8 degrees!

I have no idea if this means anything to anyone besides me, but if you've read this far, don't give up.  Whatever you have going on in life, don't give up.  There is someone, maybe many someone's that love you and would be devastated if you suddenly were gone.

This past weekend a dear friend suddenly passed away, apparently from a heart attack.  It would be easy to point a finger and say he wasn't taking care of himself, but I don't know that to be true or not.  For all I know, he may have been doing the best he could.

But either way, we should all do our best to take care of our bodies.  It's the only one we're going to get in this life, and if you don't take care of yours then you don't get another. 

I hope this will encourage someone along the way to take care of their health and life and to push your boundaries.  Find a group of people, F3, FIA or whoever that will push you, encourage you and not leave you behind when things get hard.

Until next time...